a letter..to my grandpa.......

dear Sir,

it takes lot of guts and courage for me to write this letter.it is a strange life, strange world and strange people around but if it was NOT STRANGE the life would have been boring i assume. waiting for evening 7 o clock and that swinging chair with a glass of whiskey in his hand ,chechked from a room then rushing back i cam down to sit along the person to exchange few words.An egg and few snacks,my heart eager to have a boiled egg never able to express but always got it if not full ,a share from the persons plate. looking into those eyes, my ears engrossed to the persons words like a jealous wife spying to know her husbands affair from backdoor. yes i am referring to Kadir Zaman the person in the chair. One of the two person who has a huge impact on my life.the other being a professor, Moloy Goswami. Though the two has a very different style, characters and personalities if one was in seventies the other was in his late 30. But the only common thing in them was never backdown if you are on truth side.
still learning from the best of best in my last stages i lost. i lost to myself. i dont regret my loss. never did i regret on my things but i promised myself that i will learn from it. i being never a hardworker but engrossed with thoughts that would come to me. it was like an obssession for thinking. Thinking of new ideas ,thinking of life,thinking of love. I realized love is a strange component of human. people who have created history were always in love with something or the other. onle when love became obsession history was made. when Mahatma Gandhi took non-violence against violence ,the question of he being mad must have come in many but he didn't gave up because he was in love with the word FREEDOM. or you can say he was obsessed with the word FREEDOM.
Hitler was obbsessed with the word GERMAN POWER..and Julius Caesar was obbssesd with the word roman development..
they were all obsessed..but the right way is to select the right path for it.

as i move forward to take a piece of egg from the plate, i heard "YOU TOO,BRUTUS" ...this was my first time listening to those historical words..if Kadir Zaman would not shared this peice of knowledge i would still have been ignorant of one of the most significant happening of the history. As i went through the life of Julius Caesar with that my interest in history had grown.. now from town guy who never knew Fidel Castro now started to read about JFK, MUSSOLINI.LENIN AND OTHERS..which bring a significant development in my thinking. this would never happened if that person in the chair would not have been there.

I do not know where this history leads me in future. i do not know will my great grandsons will be able to recollect my name, its not in my hand. but choosing a path is in my hand and i have taken a decision. though failing in my decision time and again, i just decide to go with my instincts not thinking where i will be ending because life is to experience for me. i will be revealing what path i have chosen later because i do not will it be success or failure but i am going to try and this is my love or so my obsession will be.

Strange is this world and strange is the place i lived. the same house i met another charming person but quite different from the other. a person who knows how to care and balance his family perfectly. though might be in trouble time still be able keep a smile on his face and make sure his family and his people are secure. and strange is their relationship though being two different characteristic people they share a perfect bonding between them.
Those two live a two different paths of life but bond together beautifully. If one has both the qualities i am sure he will be having perfect life.but as saying goes GOD WAS TOO SELFISH TO MAKE ANYTHING PERFECT IN WORLD.

But people have to take decision which way one would like to take. i could have easily taken the common man route but i didn't.
i went against norms to make better norms. now time will say will i be right or wrong in my vision. if i am failure i m sure people gonna curse me or if i click people gonna appreciate me. i have decided that none is gonna affect me i would love to go along trying to make a differnece in others life with knowledge i will be acquiring which started from progressively when i met the person in the chair with a whiskey in hand

MY QUEST FOR KNOWLEDGE WILL NEVER END AS I WOULD EVEN LIKE TO QUESTION GOD

Culture..amazing culture....funny but it is amazing....

once again i sit recollecting my thoughts this time one from my best days...it was when we finished our drama work in the college in second year..our memories fresh with ideas..and my brain still looking in public for a new idea to script down my drama that s a gift i possess..and this thing again in my journey..that s why i always fancy traveling around the world...give me damn money and i will spend it in traveling all over the world..i took my seat in the luxury bus starting around 2 in the afternoon a 5 hour journey to my hometown..i was glad to see lots of girls boarding the bus but to my luck they were all coupled..my expectations of having girl in my seat beside to pastime interacting with her was shattered as i saw young chap who was pursuing the terrible and horror intermediate in one of those jail educational institutes..to my adjacent seats that is the next two seats to my left..its a 2*2 seater bus...there's a young couple, i suppose they being 16 or so..it was one of the those school love stories like the one i had..and behind there were a mature couple of 22 or 23 age..and exact behind to me another couple of 22 or 23..for a moment i thought i just got in a couple mela bus.. but the young guy beside gave me enough idea that it was not so..as the bus started towards its destination i thought i was going to have boring journey as i could not get window seat too.. but in 15 mins i realize i got my plot for my next drama..let me explain the couples..
the first young teen couple...nothing is more funny to be in love in 14,15,16...i say with experience..even its brings alot of laughter thinking about my life in that age...teen love is full of smalll fights ..then goes the special compromise words..soory sorry beta please mujhe say baath karo..i will do anything for u ..ha ha thats a sweet feeling if u are the one in the two..but its full of comedy if u are an audience...

the second couple...a more mature couple..i should say more Indian couple who loves each other but in public they are as if two sweet newly born birds in a nest.. shyness and the blinking of eyes from the girl..i am sure it must give a special feeling for the partner but how would one react as an audience..

the third couple....ho ho what to say about this couple..filmy, Hollywood style or broad minded couple..i would better put them as a filmy inspired couple...or more such a romantic couple who does anything to show how much they love each other forgetting they are in public..

now i realize how interesting this journey could be..and as moved ahead towards our desitination i found this has more interesting than at first i realized.. as i look towards my left i see this teen lovers fighting every 10 mins and then the next ten mins they try to cheer up their partner..and the next ten mins is of hands games...and behind them is this Indian couple who are trying to play antakshiri but don't know who to start..but wait i see in the eyes of girl more n more shyness and a look towards her right side couple the romantic couple..i just put my head to see whats going in my back..to my astonishment i see them lying in each others arms and planting those lovely short kisses...

now the teen couple fighting saying no i wont talk..n guy saying please please please...and in typical Indian couple ..the girl saying..see there what are they doing this bus...and guy keeps on saying let them..we shall play antakshiri...and our special couple going on with their romance and then sudden a phone rang... and girl talking at the peak of our her voice saying.. hello hi shailu.....enni days aindi.....oh i am with my darling going to my hometown...that catches the attention of all passengers everyone staring to look at this romantic couple..n girl keeps on mentioning the word DARLING...i was sure now all the passengers are gonna check them every ten mins and my prediction turn out to be true.. but this didnt stop their romance..only person i found to be non exciting was the boy beside me..he has his sad story of being in the intermediate hostel..but i asked him to just turn his head n look whats in his back.. n he was surprised and was saying curiously they are kissing..i said i know..that had cheered him up...

if our culture would have been different then it would have been difficult to cheer this chap...now he was enthuastic and asking me how can they do this in bus.. everyone s watching them i just replied this our democratic n republic nation..anyone is free do then everyone is free to watch..that sums it all... this has been an excellent journey for me..i could not control my laugh watching the expressions of all the 3 couples..and specially the teen couple because once upon a time i was in their position...i still laugh not at them but at me and my culture..........

journey...journey tht was unfaithful...

as i sit in the bus thinking 1000 thoughts on 1 issue..i decided to quit the place..i decided to have a change..i decided it is better to have strugglin life then struggling mentally...as i sit n call up my best friends..tht day left tears in their eyes too...but i made the desicion..i was down ..i was out..i was now trying to think new but i could not..time n again..i was getting tht girl in my mind..just thinkin come back to me..u meant alot to me..i still care for i love you.. my mind sayin think about urself..u are losing u are losing urself.. but i forgot i had lost myself..i lost in my will to live..but i just recollected the memories with my beloved..i knew i had a mountain to climb..my decision was bein criticized by many tht i was leaving like a loser..tht brought more agony to my existing one..but i wanted to start a new life..i spoke to my dearest mate vassu..n i said her i will return but not til i know i was out from this lost world..as i hung the phone..a guy i dont remeber his name just said hi..n said i heard ur decision..our interaction started n he said its always no end ..just go ahead n start a new life..as we kept on tlking about our childhood to our rebellious feelings..i found him to be very nearby to me who kept on debating to me about various things..as our bus stopped for the dinner everyone was movin out..i just sat down n thought i have limited money..i cant eat..because if i eat now wht abt tomo..i was now worried abt my tomo which helped me abit to our come my thoughts from lost love..then suddenly two girls i dont remeber their name.. they offered me their tiffin box..it was bajji..some sort of..now i had 3 unknown friends alongside me.. as we shared the box..they were sympathetic to my story which hurt me more but i didnt wanna hurt me..now everyone was back from the dinner..the man who was beside me later i came to know he was a police inspector gave a biscuit packet..i was amazed tht there are people to help..young chap who debated me offered my stay at his place but i politly declined as i wanted to live on my own fighting for my survival..n as the journey went ahead with new people i was getting comfortable..n at vijaywada all my companion or new unknown friends had to get down.. now i was back alone..again the thoughts of my trauma came back to me...i was trying to control my tears at a stage i just could not..then i thought again where n hou i was going to survive tomo.. tht thought gave me a meaning n diverted my mind..tht journey was 1 of the toughest journey of mine but i had no fear..because a day before i just wanted to die.. wanted to finish off..but tht journey reminds of many things..

strange....is me.........or ...strange is the world.......

as i sit and think about few incidents in my life..it always brings a strange feelings..sometime why have done this..? or sometime only u can have done this..? but never i have a thought why haven't i done this..as i call myself to be strange piece a paper roaring to flew with a small blow of wind..i remember one of the incident supposedly happened in 10th class..long time but its a memory..my madam was questioning me did i propose a girl..i could have easily told and yes and moved away without issue.but my madam said if u don't tell truth i will inform the matter to correspondent of the school instead of saying yes or no.. i replied i don't fear correspondent i just respect him..n i wont tell u because if i tell u now u will think i am afraid of him.. tats it.. that evening i was with correspondent listening to hell lot of word...i asked myself why have u done this..? but never i questioned myself why haven't i done this..? its strange with me but always i make sure i will make my own pit and fall into it.. but not into someone else pit...hmmm i have always put it into my definition.. i could remember the expression of our madam n correspondent that made them feel i am rude rash and a loser...hmmm i never knew what i was.. but yes certainly anyone in their position would have easily thought the same.. yes i am short tempered..yes sometimes i act weird..yes i am stubborn..yes i take foolish decision... but am i what other thinks..? strange is word which is my fav word in English dictonary.. still i stand upright and say proudly am not strange.. but the world for me looks strange...

16th oct...a memorable day..thanks pall

hmmm after working seriously on my project from last ten days i was exhausted with thoughts needed a break desperately... as i needed to finish the matter of magazine as soon as possible i called up few friends who could help and started working seriously.. after quite a discussion with my juniors who are assisting me in the magazine work we finalized the content the magazine and fixed the deadline to submit the content by 23rd of this month.i am very thankful to hari,aparna ,sudhiksha n soumya for coming forward to assist me. hmm dont forget about my team of naina praneeth varun rakesh ,vasavi, pallavi and ashok.. they are always there for me supporting me in my work.. hmmm as i finished the work then came the devil gang pall,vassu,goofy .... ah now from work it was fun...few photographs as pall pulled my hairs..thnk god they are strong but was extremely happy to see pall after a longtime...then we met Nambiar Sir to discuss out various things.. as usual it took two hours and in the mean time pravi joined us...then to Crystal for lunch.. ah dont ak what happened.. as we ordered biryani s and then the real fun started we were rolling on chairs laughing...imagining all the ballons lolz...ha ha ha .. uncontrollable laugh it still makes me laugh.. then went to coll and enjoyed playing that childhood games ah had lot of fun and i was the winner.. and that small girl pranathi she made run for life with her Pataka Pistol..oh my god i was out of breath n whole biryani got digested... then we went to our fav chat bandi and had pani puri... my god such tiring and exhausting day... it was the much needed break for all of us...i went back to varun s room and slept for 2 hours and then went sravani s place and collected my coat n returned home... but by far my one of the best days.. hope to have such more days .. n missed ashok rakesh and naina...hope we get together soon.. now i need get back to my work soon...

bye bye for now

rebellious rocking.......................

hi friends....... now its time that i start my open dairy.. a life full adventures and rebellious... but my life is one to be said about n heard about... thts my style because i love it to say that way..i prefer saying than writing..i am very bad writer..that u will know through my post..but i just want to write because i wanna let things out of heart which i might not have done before....

i sit hear thinking what shall be my first post..i realize why not to post what i feel now.. sitting in the office cabin..checking will someone come and ask what are u doing..this is not to be done here..i would plainly reply if that's the problem then the hell to you and your office...now i am not supposed to do this.. i am terrible situation without this job what will i do..? what i reply to those who would question me why don't u stick to one-thing..then my simple answer i feel it and so i do it...yes i do feel the pain of what i say lost love..but yes i lost the person but the love..my passion for the person remains the same..yes we both could not go along..yes we could not compromise on things...but if me or she acted in other way the things would not be the way it is..but no one was ready to act different..whose fault mine..? her s..? there s no fault but plain answer comes heart..i would never shape myself different..yes i had a selfish feeling that i would be happy if she could shape my way..i am sure she also has the same thoughts..but wht to be done..?sit here n crib over it..or just move away with it..i say you both of them not possible..cant express both the feelings.i don't know how move people move along..but didn't i move along well after being away from loads of friends..indeed i moved along..but for one person why i am stuck back..do i expect the person to come..no i don't..but then what it stopping me..might be my love..or as someone say secretly desiring that person comes back..if its in my subconscious mind i say you i don't want the same person to be back but if the person can shape my way then i will be left thinking..but i don't expect anything of that sort happening...hmm as for as my job is concerned i am enjoying these new experiences.. but i am hating the way the whole TV industry runs..i don't feel to bring a change in it..but something i feel a change to be brought will be in mindset of the people..our society is being corrupt with the days going by..we are becoming more n more selfish with the competitive world..my dream project to have a real impact on the society is underway..i am trying to form a group of people with the same thoughts to come along and work for the student..i don't know how it is going to shape..i am just expecting it be the one to have a impact on many.....hmmm that's all in my mind for the moment being.. will be waiting for new post..till then bye bye tat-ta.....